Waiting Game

Okay, I did it, you will be proud if you know me well... I finally looked up MS and read all about it. I have been waking up early for some reason every morning and if I make any big moves it wakes Aaron up. So I've been trying to stay still in bed and just do things from there, so I don't wake him. He is really tired right now. I am pretty sure it is a mix of many things, but mainly just exhaustion from our long week. They do say exhaustion is a symptom of MS, and that he needs to take it easy. That may be a hard one for him to learn to do. Anyways, since I was stuck in bed, I finally looked up the MS society website and dove into the literature. Some of it was comforting, some of it was a little scary and most of it was informative. I really should have looked at it all before we saw the Neurologist. All of the tests he gave, blood work and even brain scan he showed makes so much more sense. I'll try to explain what I learned in a minute.

But, it gave me some direction of what we need to know next. There are 4 types of MS you can have. I think of them more as stages, because you can transition to a new stage if you aren't taking care of MS and it starts to progress more. I may be wrong, but that is what I understood. Here is a summary of the 4 stages:

• Relapsing-Remitting MS
  People with this type of MS experience clearly defined attacks of worsening neurologic function. These attacks—which are called relapses, flare-ups, or exacerbations —are followed by partial or complete recovery periods (remissions), during which no disease progression occurs. Approximately 85% of people are initially diagnosed with relapsing-remitting MS.
• Primary-Progressive MS
  This disease course is characterized by slowly worsening neurologic function from the beginning—with no distinct relapses or remissions. The rate of progression may vary over time, with occasional plateaus and temporary minor improvements. Approximately 10% of people are diagnosed with primary-progressive MS.
• Secondary-Progressive MS 
  Following an initial period of relapsing-remitting MS, many people develop a secondary-progressive disease course in which the disease worsens more steadily, with or without occasional flare-ups, minor recoveries (remissions), or plateaus. Before the disease-modifying medications became available, approximately 50% of people with relapsing-remitting MS developed this form of the disease within 10 years. Long-term data are not yet available to determine if treatment significantly delays this transition.
• Progressive-Relapsing MS
  In this relatively rare course of MS (5%), people experience steadily worsening disease from the beginning, but with clear attacks of worsening neurologic function along the way. They may or may not experience some recovery following these relapses, but the disease continues to progress without remissions.

As you see above our hope is that he has RRMS, Relapsing Remitting MS. Which means it is totally manageable and easy to live with. They say most of these MS patients live just as long as most others and are pretty healthy. They obviously need to take care of themselves with medication, good healthy diet and other things, but they live normally!!! The other ones, are  little different. I hope to never even have to bring them up. We are hoping and praying now that we find him to be RRMS.

My fears? Well, here it goes... As I studied it talked about how hard it is to diagnosis MS. They have to look at many things, brain scans, blood work, symptoms and how many re-occurances. What that means is some people have scars on their brain, especially older people. So just looking at Brain MRI's don't usually tell you that some one has MS. It can be other diseases or due to old age. But, when someone young like Aaron comes in and their scan shows the scars and shows that some are not recent and some are, it shows re-occurances, which means, it comes and goes and has happened times before. Which is a huge indicator of MS. Most times that is hard to see at first in newly diagnosed MS patients, because they usually catch it on the first occurance, thus they don't have evidence yet of re-occurances. So then they have to rely on ruling out all other diseases through blood work, more scans, symptom watch and other things. But, they all knew pretty fast on Aaron. That could definitely be a blessing in the fact that we can start treatments and not go through all the waiting. But, it also means it has been around for awhile and we could have been treating it sooner. They still took his blood this week to double check it isn't something else. But, the neurologist showed us the different ages of scars and proved he has had more than 1 episode. Anyways, it is making a lot more sense now. Why they do the tests they do, what he was talking about with the new and old scarring and why they are pretty sure he has MS.

What next? We are in a waiting game. As I said in the post before, they told me they could not see Aaron until mid August with the specialist. We could go back and see a Neurologist, but Aaron and I feel strongly to get the results and have the care he really needs we need to get in with this specialist. I emailed the ER doctor we had this week on Friday afternoon after I got the run around from the specialist offices secretary. It old him of fears and worries about waiting and asked his advice. He almost instantly emailed back. He told us to not worry. The specialist Dr. Foley is out of town, but he would be in contact as soon as he could and would email and then talk to him personally. That brought us a lot of relief. We are lucky to know a few other Doctors/Radiologists who also offered to help get us in faster. So we have a huge support system, but it is still a waiting game.

In the mean time, we are trying to just wait, live as normal as we can and keep Aaron healthy. I am making him sleep more, eat healthier and do less. That is very hard if you know Aaron. But, he isn't fighting me as much, since I think he realizes he needs it and it helps. His speech is getting much better, his face isn't sagging as much. I have noticed he is getting fatigued easier, and is fighting off some emotions that are hard to deal with. These are both huge symptoms and we are hoping he can swing back to him old self eventually.

What can you do? (I keep getting asked that.) Pray, pray for Aaron. Pray he can get stronger, happier and that we can get in to this Doctor ASAP. My cousin a Radiologist said we need to get in soon, so pray he does. Pray we can find a medication that will work well with him and his life. Most are injections and the symptoms are hard to deal with. So let's hope that we can get him something he can take orally, that won't make him sick! Pray that he has the RRMS and that it isn't the progressive kind. Other than that, we really are doing better. Things have sunk in, we are ready to face and fight these horrible disease!

Thanks to all who have cared and supported us. We feel so loved and blessed.

Day 4 and 5

Overwhelmed!

Today Thursday, (well really yesterday, since I am writing this a day late)... was one of the most overwhelming, emotional, and long days of my entire life! Today, Friday, has been better and we are feeling much more upbeat. I guess it is good I waited a day to write this post! Anyways, here is how our past two days have gone...

Thursday (Day 4)

The morning was busy getting the girls to swimming and trying to get a few other errands done. Once we got everything done, we took the girls over to stay with Papa Hammond. He was so sweet to take them for the entire day for us!!! Poor guy, I don't know if he knew what he was getting himself into. He was so sweet about it though and we really appreciated it.

Aaron and I then headed up to SLC to do a bunch of things. We started off at the Uof U. Aaron scheduled an appointment with his committee chair. When we got there, Aaron relayed the news to her and then we discussed some options. She was so upbeat and positive. She told us some good news about taking time off, changing graduation, and what direction he can go if he needs more time. (Which I don't think he will, but we wanted to know if there were those options) Then she told us about this cool program the UofU is part of with South Korea. They are going to be part of a University that brings professors over there and here, where they teach classes here or there and pretty much put the U as part of a Korean campus. She mentioned Aaron's Korean speaking skills and how that would be very valuable in the future for the PhD program he is in. I think it was comforting for him to see that despite him just telling her he was diagnosed with MS, it didn't even make her think twice that he couldn't be part of and maybe be employed with this new program. It is one step closer for him to see that disease will not define him and his capabilities to be successful!

After the meeting we met up shortly with an old friend. Then it was off to get a quick lunch. After lunch we headed to the Thesis office. All I can say is that I never want to have to write a dissertation. I couldn't believe the silly requirements and hoops you have to jump through! Luckily Aaron is a fantastic writer and hoop jumper... j/k!

After we then headed to DMBA our insurance place to seek some advice on our health insurance plan and how to make sure everything is covered. It was a good meeting and we feel extremely blessed that we have the insurance that we do, another little tender mercy in our lives.

Then it was off to the Neurologist. As we arrived to parking lot we stopped the car and said a little pray. Our hope was that we'd get some answers and feel like we'd know what the next step was. We were anxious and anticipating a great doctor full of kind words and wisdom to help us feel at peace. Little did we know what was to come. In came the doctor. I instantly sensed something strange. He sat down, pulled his hand out with out making eye contact and shook our hands. Then he pulled out a pen and asked what was going on. He took lots of notes, asked a few questions, rolled his eyes at me (I was asking a ton of questions, I know I was probably bugging him, but hey I am the freaked out prego wife) Anyways, he then said okay, and gave Aaron of little reflex tests. He didn't say anything the whole time, except the instructions of what he wanted Aaron to do. Then he jotted a few notes. After he Left to get some things. When he came back in we discussed his symptoms some more. Then he finally looked up at us and said let me show you Aaron's brain. 

He then pulled up the CT scan. There it was the scariest and most horrific images of my life. My sweetheart, my best friend, my world and his stupid MS scars... everywhere! My heart sank. He showed us which ones were recent within the past month, which ones were active and then which ones have been there for awhile. I can't say much more, I don't know much about the disease, but it was really hard to see. We noticed there may be some on his spinal cord too. We were told they need to do more scans on his spinal cord to know for sure. The Doctor so kindly informed me that really it didn't matter whether he did or didn't because he had MS and we don't need to know every place it is. I just shut my mouth after that. 

Next he pulled out a flip chart. Then he said this tells you all about MS I can go through it, but really you look like you are done. My thought was... "Really? You think we are done? Because honestly, we had just started and have no answers!" But, he made it pretty clear he wasn't there to read through a flip chart with us. So we said he was fine. I then finally said, "Ok, he has MS, now what?" That jump started him to his opinions about medication. He then said for us to look them over and when we came back he'd prescribe something. He went over them briefly. I looked at him and was, "What one would you use?" I am sure by now he was about ready to kill me, but these were things we needed to know. We were lost, there were 5 medication listed, all with horrible symptoms and most were a daily injections! He suggested a few, but asked us to look them over some more. After I pulled out my list of questions and just started to fire. I was done with caring what he thought, I was there to get answers. Unfortunately, most weren't answers how I wanted. He then looked at us and said. Why don't you come back in two weeks. We will get some blood work, take another MRI of Aaron's neck and then you think about meds. 

That was it. He was done and it was time for us to go. He got us a pamphlet and then gave us instructions to meet his nurse up front to fill out a form and then head down to level 2 for blood work. I think Aaron was so overwhelmed he missed the comment about blood work and lever 2. So he tried to tell back our instructions to the Doctor, asking if the nurse was taking us to get the lab stuff. The doctor looked at us and said very sarcastically "You can find your own way to level 2 on your own can't you?" I just looked at him and said, "Yes, sorry he was just confused what you had said, we can find level 2 on our own." We then left the room. 

As Aaron was trying to make his next appointment, I could just tell he was about ready to explode with emotions. This had not been what we wanted. As we headed down to the lab, Aaron realized that they were going to take his blood right then. I think he was so ready to leave the building, that he just began to cry... I only tell you this, to understand the anguish, confusion and heart ache we felt at that very moment. He quickly pulled himself together as I tried to find ways to make him laugh. Then they sucked him of his blood filling 6 tubes. Poor guy really just hates needles. Thank goodness the nurses were very kind. Finally, we could leave! We got in the car and both sank into our seats. We looked at each other and said "That was not what we had hoped." It was definitely time for a second opinion, we needed to get into the Specialist as soon as possible. We knew we would have to call first thing in the morning.

We had to leave immediately though because we had 1 more appointment with Aaron's colleague who had invited us over to speak to his wife who has MS. As soon as they opened the door, hugs were given, Peter (Aaron's co-worker) looked at me and said "How are you?" Most the time, which I am glad, it is asked how Aaron is, which is to be expected... but to have a spouse of someone with MS ask me another spouse who just learned their love of their life has MS, just made me burst. I cried and unfortunately cried some more. After, we ate and talked. Mainly, his wife talked. We listened and were in awe with her faith and her experience. It was wonderful, but overwhelming too. We both wanted so dearly to be like her, to be as faithful and optimistic, but we aren't, we are so far away from it. We had to keep reminding ourselves she was 17 years ahead of us in the disease. It actually made me think about my own experience...

Some of you may know when I was just 18 years old I was diagnosed with a disease called Nuero Cadio Syncope. It is somewhat related to the disease called Potts. Anyways, it was a very scary time in my life for my parents and I. The disease is pretty rare and not much research has been done on it. We went through a lot of tests, drugs, loops and circles. They told me all the limits I needed to put on my life, the diet, and the scary news of what my future might hold. A few examples were: I would never be able to bear children... and here I am on child #3, they said, I had to stop competing in my sports and do only mild exercise... I've now run 6 half marathons, 2 triatholons, 1 1/2 full marathons, 5 10K's and 10 or more 5k's at a very competitive speed. They said that I couldn't be in high altitudes or I'd get really sick... yet I was a ski instructor for 3 years and have hiked plenty of mtns. , andthey said  I would probably need a pace maker in my 30's... it's been almost 3 years into my 30's and my heart is beating just fine on its own! Anyways, I look back to the beginning of it all and remember the fear we had of the unknown. I now look at myself and I realize I rarely think about my disease, except at the moments each day where I experience some of the symptoms or when it flares up in me for a few weeks. Other than that, as mentioned above I have overcome most the things they said I never could do and am doing great. I know that my health problems don't compare to the disease that Aaron has. But, I can see how optimism, life, and things can get back to some type of normal, just as it had for this sweet women. A little hope sank in at that time for me. 

But, the days events had been so exhausting, I think that I couldn't think anymore. Home, that is all we wanted. We headed to my parents, to find some very happy girls. Thank goodness for our parents who have been here for us this week! How did we get so blessed, another tender mercy for sure! Then it was home and bed. I actually slept. I think every part of Aaron and I were exhausted. We are realizing quickly that this is completely out of our hands and that we are definitely going to have to rely on the Lord completely.

Today... Friday, June 28 (Day 5)

Peace after the storm. We both work up tired, but more rested than all week. We dressed and once again headed out the door. Back to my parents house we drove. While driving I called the specialist office Dr. Foley to set up an appointment. We were done with the doctor from the day before and were ready to see someone who only worked with MS patients. Of course, just as the ER doctor had predicted, they gave us the run around and said they could not get us in until AUGUST! I was like, no way! I told them about the ER doctor emailing the MS specialist and that he said they would say this and to not let this happen. I apologized for being pushy, but felt that we needed to get ins as soon as we could. She then was really nice and was like... "Ok, I will talk to the Dr. when he gets home from his trip and I will call you on July 9 and let you know what he says. That was all I could do. I hung up and once again my heart sank. We reached my parents house and as soon as we exited the car, my parents sweet neighbor Rachel came racing over. (She just so happens to be my OBGYN's wife) She hugged us and asked if we had learned anything. We told her not really and she asked what next. I then started to cry, because of my frustration with the Doctors office and the appointment. She was sweet, offered some words of advice. I think we both were just back down to the bottom again. Luckily, we were headed to the temple. Once there, obviously we won't share too much of our experiences, but... we both had some clarity, some eye openers and some tears. I learned a little about my role as his wife and he learned a little about his role as a Child of God. We sat a long time in the Celestial room. We cried, hugged and sat quietly. Once out I felt a little better and little more optimistic. Though no answers came, peace did. Though I don't know what is going to happen, peace still was there. The thoughts of an address Aaron shared with me the day before which were given by Elder Bednar in an address he made to students graduating from BYU Hawaii came to mind:

As we consider so many of the things that are occurring all around us today, we could perhaps find ample reasons to be afraid, to hesitate, and to wonder if things in our lives can indeed turn out the way we have long hoped they would turn out.

As you now prepare to go forth from BYU-Hawaii to work and to serve and to learn, some of you may question or lack confidence in your own ability to succeed temporally and spiritually.  Or perhaps you wonder if the Lord’s promises of support and —which you readily recognize and acknowledge in the lives of so many other people—will likewise be evident in your life.  You may be uncertain about pursuing an opportunity because you cannot foresee all of the details about how things will work out, and thus you are reticent to start and take the first steps on that path.  Or you may be so concerned about making a mistake that you fail to act in faith and press forward, and you thereby increase the likelihood of the very failure you fear.    

To not take counsel from our fears simply means that we do not permit fear and uncertainty to determine our course in life, to affect negatively our attitudes and behavior, to influence improperly our important decisions, or to divert or distract us from all in this world that is virtuous, lovely, or of good report.  To not take counsel from our fears means that faith in the Lord Jesus Christ overrules our fears and that we press forward with a steadfastness in Him.  To not take counsel from our fears means that we trust in God’s guidance, assurance, and timing in our lives.  I promise each of us can and will be blessed with direction, protection, and lasting joy as we learn to not take counsel from our fears.

As we exercise faith in Christ and trust in His promises, we can walk into the dark with the absolute assurance that our pathway will be illuminated—at least far enough to take the next step—and then the next step—and the next step.

I don't know what will happen, but I can trust with the Lord, we can keep walking forward and know that as we do move forward, strength, understanding and hope will come. We do have hard things ahead. I know that and recognize that, but we can do this and we will make it through somehow.

The rest of the day was a little crazy... phone calls one after another, visitors, more phone calls, screaming and tired little kids and many other things to get done and caught up. It was a rough week for us all. But we hope and pray that next week will bring more peace, clarity and hope.

Day 3

Exhaustion!

Two nights of not much sleep + a lot of running around = exhaustion

I think and hope that tonight we will sleep good. Today was a very busy day. I took the girls down to Provo again for swim lessons. It went well and we had a great time. Always nice to get our minds off of things. Then it was back home for lunch and another drive the other direction to Riverton. We first dropped the girls off at Grandma Meacham's and then Aaron and I once again headed to the hospital for more time in the ER. 

After getting checked in, the long waiting game began. They must have been much busier than yesterday, because almost and hour went by before we heard anything. Luckily, we had plenty of texts, emails and phone calls to return that kept us busy. Finally a Doctor came in to check quickly on Aaron. It wasn't the same doctor before, which was a little disappointing, but she was nice enough. Finally they brought in Aaron's steroid infusion in and started getting that going. That took another 24 minutes. Which was fine. I called my sister, and Aaron worked on computer stuff. 

We were lucky enough to have our Doctor from the days previous stop in. I guess he is actually the hospitals director over the staff. He was all dressed up in his tie and you could tell his duties that day were not the ER. The nurse later told us, that he had flagged our file and said, "Do not let them leave until I see them!" That really touched us. He was an amazing help and actually will continue to be so. He gave us his personal cell, work and email. He told us if we have any problems getting in with the doctors we need to contact him and he will work his magic. What a comfort! You have no idea, no idea. I was glad we had written him a thank you note, because he truly needed to know what an angel he has been thus far in our journey! Why can't all Doctors be like him? What an incredible tender mercy from the Lord. 

That was not the only one either. After the drip was done, in came the darling nurse who had checked us in the day before named Jenny Budd. She two had flagged us and said she wanted to be the nurse to treat us. She told us that every once in awhile as a nurse you have a patient that you can't get off your mind. You go home and you can't stop thinking about them. She then said her husband said to her that this patient (Aaron) must have really touched her to have felt so much emotion. She said she actually went home and researched a little about the specifics of Aaron's case. She was worried, she said that she had never heard of a MS patient coming in with the symptoms that Aaron had, making her think that things might mean a worse condition than someone else who comes in with more typical symptoms. I guess to her relief this was normal. Thus, she wanted to see us today and treat Aaron. She then sat down and we conversed for almost a half hour. It was a beautiful conversation about prayer, family, the future, disease, trials and faith. She said some really good advice that we took to heart. She also asked is she could put our names on the prayer roll. How sweet? We then talked about a trial she was having and we felt so glad that we could offer the same thing to her. What magic it is, to have a common ground such as the gospel to pull people together in such a strange situation! We finished by getting her email too. She was so sweet and wanted so dearly to be added to a blog or something to keep her posted. It made me think, that maybe it is time to start another blog dedicated to just MS. Which is why I switched our entries over from our family blog to this one. After we left, her words were so uplifting, we felt a little relief. We felt again, another tender mercy. What a blessing that we were sent to that hospital. I was so impressed and grateful.

After our long ER visit, we were able to talk with my dad who shared some other great advice and knowledge about things my cousin Roy had shared with him. We honestly feel so overwhelmed by the love and support we are receiving! We then went back to Grandma and Grandpa Meacham's to find our two happy girls. We unfortunately had to run since our sweet neighbors were headed over with dinner. They were of course so sweet and brought us a beautiful spread. We were so grateful after such a long day.

We finally ended the evening with a beautiful basket left on our doorstep filled with goodies, gift cards, pajamas and other thoughtful things. We were shocked and felt overwhelmed. We have an idea, but don't know everyone that was involved. How did we get so blessed with such amazing friends?

The night ended with a few more visitors and calls. We love all the support, but we are also exhausted too. Day 3 is over and Day 4 is coming... it is a big day. We hope we will receive a little clarity or at least one step in the right direction. We are trying to feel optimistic. We are having good moments and not so good. I guess the more it sinks in, the more we accept it and move forward, the better it will get. I hope at least. The hardest part is that we are just starting a life long journey, one we know will not always be easy. We try not to focus on the hard parts ahead, but it's like when I run, I know the hills are coming, I know the fatigue is coming, so I try to enjoy the fun parts and prepare for the harder parts. But the knowledge of the joy at the end is what gets me through. I guess that is the same as real life. We just need to remember that this is life, it's what it is all about. Trials are here to stay and we can either push through them and look forward to the reward at then end. Or give up and miss out on the good times. So here's to the long marathon ahead. Preparing we are, but trying to find the sweet joys along the way will be our goal.

Aaron was really proud of his dino tape around his drip line...

Emmy loved it too!

Day 2 of our Journey

Today was less eventful... thankfully! We are still just in the state of shock and the unknown. Neither of us got more than an hours sleep last night. In fact around 2 a.m. we both got up out of bed and headed down stairs to work on things. I finally made Aaron come back to bed with me at 3 and we finally fell asleep around 4:30, I think. Anyways, needless today we are tired, thus making us more emotional. Poor Aaron is drained. He is trying so hard to stay positive and I am so proud of his strength and faith. Maybe someday I will be more like him.

We are trying to keep things as normal as we can for the girls. I took them to swim lessons today and they enjoyed it a lot. It was a nice to get away from the wait for a bit and think about something else. Once back home we ate a quick lunch and then dropped Emmy to a friends. She had dance this afternoon and her friends mom was so sweet to take her. After we headed back to Riverton. We first dropped Elsy off to play with Grandma Meacham and then headed to the hospital. Thanks Grandma.

Every time I look at that hospital I get weak and sick. It will forever hold the news that has changed our lives. Once back in the ER they checked Aaron in and then it was time to face the facts once again. The sweet nurse admitting us, at first had no clue why we were there. She was just chatting away and taking Aaron's vitals. Once she saw Aaron's records her face just sank and her tone changed. You could see the sadness feel her eyes and she just began to apologize to us. "A new diagnosis, MS... a young couple with two young girls, one on the way, Oh my, I am so sorry!" She was so sweet. She quickly changed from apologies to all the good things she could remember about the disease. It is kind of the response we've started to notice most people are having. It was sweet and we appreciated her kind tone and warmth with us. It makes the hospital so much more pleasant to be at. Thanks nurse Jenny Budd!

We then were escorted to a nice big open room. Today must have not been busy like yesterday. In fact the doctor treating us said he had never worked at Riverton and seen such a busy day like the day we had first come in on. Our doctor has been amazing! We feel very blessed that Aaron ended up at the Riverton hospital, even though it is so far from home. We've been so well taken care of. He checked Aaron out and we discussed his symptoms. Unfortunately, they have not improved, but today seemed worse. We are hoping with the second dose of steroids given today he will start seeing improvement. The Dr. said everything else looked great! We are lucky that so far they only thing bugging Aaron is his speech and sagging mouth. Then it was time for the steroids. We kind of like that quiet time together. It has been a good time to chat and just be alone together to our thoughts. As soon as the drip was done, we could leave. 

Off to get the girls and home to our somewhat normal routine. We had three friends drop by with dinner and treats. It was nice, but very draining trying to retell the story over and over and comforting them. Aaron was so positive with everyone though and made them feel better. I wish I could do the same. One friend mentioned her heart was breaking because she didn't think Aaron was the type of man that would ever need this type of trial. Good people like him she said should never have to go through this. It just made me smile. I am one lucky girl to have such a great boy by my side.

We were also able to chat with my cousin Roy Hammond this evening who is a radiologist. He was very positive and upbeat about Aaron's condition. He mentioned that really we just can't dwell on the what if's and this could happen, but to focus on the most positive outcome to his disease. I agree, that will be our goal. I hope to get there soon. We really appreciated his willingness to take time to call and his sweet offering to fast for our family and Aaron. I felt very blessed to have a good cousin like him to call.

Aaron received several emails today too from co-workers. So many encouraging words and support. It truly has been overwhelming! He also got a call from a co-worker whose wife has MS. He was honest about her condition, but was also very encouraging. We actually hope to meet with him Thursday after our Dr. appointment to hear her story.

After the girls were in bed and we are finally left to ourselves, there has been a lot of silence. I think we are just so drained right now that silence is almost a welcome song. We did send an email out to most of our good family and friends. We are just not prepared to continue telling everyone the story right now. It is just too hard. I think we will be able to more so soon, but felt strongly this was the best way to communicate to the ones we love our newest phase in life.

We still haven't crossed the line to research and learn more yet. I think we are to scared to face that all right now. We feel that we will learn what we need as we go along.

We just feel very blessed tonight and grateful. Day 2 is over. Here's hoping to tonight that tonight we get some sleep!

There have been lots of cuddles at our house. The girls love having dad around! This morning climbed into bed and snuggled right up to her dad...

Tender moments like these we never want to forget!

The Beginning...

Today was one of the longest, hardest days I've ever had. I am sitting here alone while everyone else is asleep with my mind going a million miles a minute. I can't sleep and I am in complete shock... complete and utter shock! Right now... I want to run, I want to cry, I want to go back two days to the naivete I was in. I honestly don't get it, what the heck is MS? Where did it come from and how did it ever find the sweetest, kindest person I know? How did it make it's way into Aaron? There is so much unknown? Yes, I realize there are a lot of people with it, yes I know that people can live normal lives, and I know that Aaron can to. But, it doesn't take away the what if's, the fear, the wondering, the long wait and guinea pig game ahead. It doesn't help to know that Aaron is hurting physically and in other ways and I can't fix it. What does help, is to write about it, talk about it and pray about it. That is all I can do at this time. So I am starting a blog called The Meacham Family MS journey. Why? Because it truly will be a journey for us all. One with lots of ups and downs. So here it goes, the beginning....

Aaron started to feel some numbness and slurred speech on Thursday June 20, 2013. But now as we look back on it, that is not the beginning of symptoms, but the start of my real worry. As it continued throughout the weekend, my worry increased. On Sunday, my worry was confirmed when the first counselor of the Bishopbric told me he thought Aaron needed to go in and see a doctor. He had noticed his slurred speech and was worried too. So that night I asked my mom who is a nurse, brother and his wife who are med students what they all thought. All 3 instantly said he needed to see someone. My sister-in-law actually suggested right then to head to the instacare. I tried to persuade Aaron, but he was worried it was nothing. But as we researched his symptoms more, we realized that maybe it could be something like a stroke and he needed to see someone quick. Of course the only thing open at that time was the ER. There was no way he would go there, so all night we worried. As soon as morning came, he got ready for work and headed to the earliest opened Instacare he could find on his way to work, it was locate in the Riverton hospital. I don't know all that happened, but after about 5 mins. there they brought him over a wheel chair and sent him straight on over to the ER. That is when he called me. I of course didn't know what to do! Was this for real or just a precaution? I wasn't in too much of a panic at the time, so I text my brother Jeff to tell him what had happened. He instantly texted back and told me he'd come get the girls and I better get over there. I am so grateful he did! As soon as he came, he packed the girls up and headed to Provo, as I headed out to Riverton hospital. Once there I found Aaron laying in a little bed with a giant smile. 

That silly boy, always smiling and so positive. He laughed about his gown and how the nurses made him strip down without leaving. I chuckled and together we started a very long waiting game. After a half hour and few checks by his nurse. They suddenly came in and said they were taking him in for a MRI. We were a little confused. Isn't that for something serious? Aaron, doesn't need that. Of course Aaron started worrying about the money, but we knew to bring our minds at ease, we'd need to have him do it. Off he went, and there I sat alone. Soon I received a text from my cute sister-in-law Maggie. Her dad is a radiologist for IHC and had access to all of Aaron's charts. She asked permission to have him check them out. So I of course agreed. A few minutes later her dad called. He asked me Aaron's symptoms and then paused. I was like, "I know he is probably fine, sorry to bug you!" Then he said the words I will never forget. The words that stabbed me so deep I thought I might stop breathing. 

He said, "From what I can see so far, I think Aaron has MS." It took a minute to register. MS, i've heard of it, what is it, wait isn't that for older people or people that I never have known... he continued to tell me about what he had seen on the CT scarn. Liasions on the brain? Deep breaths. 

I began to cry. He was so kind and told me he would call back as soon as he talked to a few other people. Then it was me and silence. I was sick. My sweet, darling Aaron was really sick and there was nothing, not one thing I could do about it. I knew and he didn't. I was there alone, and they only thing I could do is pray. So I did. I cried and prayed. I prayed first for Aaron, second for strength. My mind drifted to the girls, to our lives ahead, to Aaron and how it would affect my amazing husband. I was alone for about 30 minutes. It felt like eternity. Suddenly, admist the tears the door opened. There in a wheel chair sat my smiling, sweet husband. He looked at me silly, like why the heck are you crying. They wheeled him in, hooked him up and then left. I burst into tears and through my sobs, and told him what I had learned. I don't see Aaron cry very often, only a few times in our marriage, so when the tears began to flow, my heart literally broke. I had to tell Aaron some of the worst news he'd ever heard. It was awful!

Then the real waiting game came... There was a slight hope of maybe not in our heads, but an almost definite yes that it could be. It was so long and so hard. We were sick and Aaron was broken. Should I have not told him yet? I don't know, yes. What else was I suppose to do. 

Maggie's dad Dr. Brown soon called back with a name and an appointment set up with a nuerologist. The appointment was soon, and we still hadn't heard back from the ER doc. Finally a tech came in and I told him we pretty much already knew what was happening, that we had an appointment and would really like to try to make it the the appt. if at all possible. I felt bad being pushy, but 5 hours in the ER with nothing and our chance of seeing someone weighed on me. Soon the ER doc came in. The news was confirmed, the words were spoken again and the little bit of hope was diminished. Dumbfounded he mentioned that we would need to probably to see a MS specialist and that he first needed Aaron to take 3 days worth of steroids. So he went and contacted the nuerologist we had the appt. with and we were able to work with her to make an appt with the specialist. This Doctor was amazing! We were grateful for his help. 

After the news breaking began. Aaron called his mom. The stress and anxiety of it caused him to almost loose his speaking ability. I realized right then how bad it could be. Then it was time to call my family. Each phone call was painful and heartbreaking. The voices of worry, soon turned to sadness and sorrow. Aaron's mom came over and tried to cheer us up. Soon the steriods were given and the ER became extremely busy. So they pretty much kicked us out! Which was fine, we were done. We came, we learned what we needed to know and left knowing what we wish we would have never learnt. The rest of the day is a blur. Aaron's parents and my parents came over. Our dad's gave us some beautiful wonderful blessings and then we were left to ourselves. Family and friends texted. We spent most the night emailing his work, and working out details for the week ahead. Then exhausted Aaron crashed.

So here I sit. Alone again to my thoughts, fears and the unknown. I sit feeling our 3rd child kicking gently on my tummy knowing that life might be different this time around. That maybe this is why this baby came now! Why the Lord had it come now. Understanding and some clarity are here. I know that this is the Lord's will, yet, is it okay to hate it, to be confused and scared. I hope so. I know that fear is the opposite of faith, but how can you not fear? But we need miracles right now, so I will push hard to have faith and hope for the good things to come.

Day 1 of the journey done.

Ether 12:12