Today was one of the longest, hardest days I've ever had. I am sitting here alone while everyone else is asleep with my mind going a million miles a minute. I can't sleep and I am in complete shock... complete and utter shock! Right now... I want to run, I want to cry, I want to go back two days to the naivete I was in. I honestly don't get it, what the heck is MS? Where did it come from and how did it ever find the sweetest, kindest person I know? How did it make it's way into Aaron? There is so much unknown? Yes, I realize there are a lot of people with it, yes I know that people can live normal lives, and I know that Aaron can to. But, it doesn't take away the what if's, the fear, the wondering, the long wait and guinea pig game ahead. It doesn't help to know that Aaron is hurting physically and in other ways and I can't fix it. What does help, is to write about it, talk about it and pray about it. That is all I can do at this time. So I am starting a blog called The Meacham Family MS journey. Why? Because it truly will be a journey for us all. One with lots of ups and downs. So here it goes, the beginning....
Aaron started to feel some numbness and slurred speech on Thursday June 20, 2013. But now as we look back on it, that is not the beginning of symptoms, but the start of my real worry. As it continued throughout the weekend, my worry increased. On Sunday, my worry was confirmed when the first counselor of the Bishopbric told me he thought Aaron needed to go in and see a doctor. He had noticed his slurred speech and was worried too. So that night I asked my mom who is a nurse, brother and his wife who are med students what they all thought. All 3 instantly said he needed to see someone. My sister-in-law actually suggested right then to head to the instacare. I tried to persuade Aaron, but he was worried it was nothing. But as we researched his symptoms more, we realized that maybe it could be something like a stroke and he needed to see someone quick. Of course the only thing open at that time was the ER. There was no way he would go there, so all night we worried. As soon as morning came, he got ready for work and headed to the earliest opened Instacare he could find on his way to work, it was locate in the Riverton hospital. I don't know all that happened, but after about 5 mins. there they brought him over a wheel chair and sent him straight on over to the ER. That is when he called me. I of course didn't know what to do! Was this for real or just a precaution? I wasn't in too much of a panic at the time, so I text my brother Jeff to tell him what had happened. He instantly texted back and told me he'd come get the girls and I better get over there. I am so grateful he did! As soon as he came, he packed the girls up and headed to Provo, as I headed out to Riverton hospital. Once there I found Aaron laying in a little bed with a giant smile.
That silly boy, always smiling and so positive. He laughed about his gown and how the nurses made him strip down without leaving. I chuckled and together we started a very long waiting game. After a half hour and few checks by his nurse. They suddenly came in and said they were taking him in for a MRI. We were a little confused. Isn't that for something serious? Aaron, doesn't need that. Of course Aaron started worrying about the money, but we knew to bring our minds at ease, we'd need to have him do it. Off he went, and there I sat alone. Soon I received a text from my cute sister-in-law Maggie. Her dad is a radiologist for IHC and had access to all of Aaron's charts. She asked permission to have him check them out. So I of course agreed. A few minutes later her dad called. He asked me Aaron's symptoms and then paused. I was like, "I know he is probably fine, sorry to bug you!" Then he said the words I will never forget. The words that stabbed me so deep I thought I might stop breathing.
He said, "From what I can see so far, I think Aaron has MS." It took a minute to register. MS, i've heard of it, what is it, wait isn't that for older people or people that I never have known... he continued to tell me about what he had seen on the CT scarn. Liasions on the brain? Deep breaths.
I began to cry. He was so kind and told me he would call back as soon as he talked to a few other people. Then it was me and silence. I was sick. My sweet, darling Aaron was really sick and there was nothing, not one thing I could do about it. I knew and he didn't. I was there alone, and they only thing I could do is pray. So I did. I cried and prayed. I prayed first for Aaron, second for strength. My mind drifted to the girls, to our lives ahead, to Aaron and how it would affect my amazing husband. I was alone for about 30 minutes. It felt like eternity. Suddenly, admist the tears the door opened. There in a wheel chair sat my smiling, sweet husband. He looked at me silly, like why the heck are you crying. They wheeled him in, hooked him up and then left. I burst into tears and through my sobs, and told him what I had learned. I don't see Aaron cry very often, only a few times in our marriage, so when the tears began to flow, my heart literally broke. I had to tell Aaron some of the worst news he'd ever heard. It was awful!
Then the real waiting game came... There was a slight hope of maybe not in our heads, but an almost definite yes that it could be. It was so long and so hard. We were sick and Aaron was broken. Should I have not told him yet? I don't know, yes. What else was I suppose to do.
Maggie's dad Dr. Brown soon called back with a name and an appointment set up with a nuerologist. The appointment was soon, and we still hadn't heard back from the ER doc. Finally a tech came in and I told him we pretty much already knew what was happening, that we had an appointment and would really like to try to make it the the appt. if at all possible. I felt bad being pushy, but 5 hours in the ER with nothing and our chance of seeing someone weighed on me. Soon the ER doc came in. The news was confirmed, the words were spoken again and the little bit of hope was diminished. Dumbfounded he mentioned that we would need to probably to see a MS specialist and that he first needed Aaron to take 3 days worth of steroids. So he went and contacted the nuerologist we had the appt. with and we were able to work with her to make an appt with the specialist. This Doctor was amazing! We were grateful for his help.
After the news breaking began. Aaron called his mom. The stress and anxiety of it caused him to almost loose his speaking ability. I realized right then how bad it could be. Then it was time to call my family. Each phone call was painful and heartbreaking. The voices of worry, soon turned to sadness and sorrow. Aaron's mom came over and tried to cheer us up. Soon the steriods were given and the ER became extremely busy. So they pretty much kicked us out! Which was fine, we were done. We came, we learned what we needed to know and left knowing what we wish we would have never learnt. The rest of the day is a blur. Aaron's parents and my parents came over. Our dad's gave us some beautiful wonderful blessings and then we were left to ourselves. Family and friends texted. We spent most the night emailing his work, and working out details for the week ahead. Then exhausted Aaron crashed.
So here I sit. Alone again to my thoughts, fears and the unknown. I sit feeling our 3rd child kicking gently on my tummy knowing that life might be different this time around. That maybe this is why this baby came now! Why the Lord had it come now. Understanding and some clarity are here. I know that this is the Lord's will, yet, is it okay to hate it, to be confused and scared. I hope so. I know that fear is the opposite of faith, but how can you not fear? But we need miracles right now, so I will push hard to have faith and hope for the good things to come.
Day 1 of the journey done.
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